


The 12 Days of Alfrid

by islandkate, WerewulfTherewulf



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, Death, M/M, Modern AU, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:58:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8841898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf
Summary: There are things one comes to expect at Christmas gatherings; gag gifts, traditional movies, awkward dinner discussions, etc. Much like the Spanish Inquisition, it was therefore completely unexpected when the host of that year's Christmas gathering dropped dead almost immediately. But only Fili and Kili knew! They couldn't let this small change in plans ruin their holiday... what could they possibly do?





	1. A Dead Fish in a Barrel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn of the first day - 288 hours remain

Kili slammed the car door shut with his foot, his arms full of presents for family. He stared up at the mansion-sized cabin before them.

“It’s all a bit… gloomy, isn’t it? It’s all dark and empty looking; so fucking bleak,”

“Yeah well his entire family  _ did _ just  **die** four months ago, he’ll still be grieving. And you’re only looking at the second floor! There’s plenty of lights on downstairs. Mom should be here by now, at least. Come on,”

Fili nudged Kili to continue walking towards the cabin, making a point to slap his butt as hard as he could as he passed by him. Kili let out an embarrassing noise and stumbled a bit, struggling to not drop the box full of gifts. Blushing intensely, he stuck his tongue out at Fili.

Leading the way, Fili opened the door for Kili and let him in first, announcing their presence for the both of them.

Their mother instantly popped out from behind a corner and ambushed them. The box of presents suddenly disappeared from Kili’s arms and the pair of them were pulled into her arms and were subject to a seemingly infinite amount of kisses and cheek pinches.

“M-om…” they groaned.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop. Your father and my brothers are setting up the christmas tree in the living room; you two may need to step in and help, Thorin was looking a bit frazzled last I checked,”

Fili and Kili looked at each other, then back at Dis, grinning. “Yep, we’ll definitely go and have a look at  _ that _ ,”

“Thank you, dears. And when you’re done with that, do you think you could go and look for your cousin? I haven’t seen him for hours…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Fili replied offhandedly. 

  
  


“You’re supposed to be helping, you little shits,” Thorin grumbled at the boys twenty minutes later as he tried to free himself from the bright red tinsel. Fili and Kili were sitting in the same recliner sideways, their backs holding each other up as they snacked on cookies and laughed at their uncle.

“Hey, we are helping! We’re giving you a live-action critiquing!” Fili told him.

“Yep! Thee how muth help we’yuh doin’?” Kili asked, cookie crumbs flying from his overstuffed mouth.

Frerin had his hands on his knees, he was laughing so hard. Vali was trying his best to remain serious, but it proved to be hard. He looked at his sons. 

“You two had better take your help elsewhere, otherwise I don’t think we’ll have it on hand when we actually want it,”

They rolled their eyes. “Yeah, yeah, we get it,” Kili grumbled. He and Fili rolled out of the chair, Fili keeping a hold of the plate of cookies, and left the room.

“We may as well go look for our delightful cousin,” Fili suggested. Kili grabbed a cookie off the plate and took a large bite out of it. He nodded.

“Yeah, I guess.”

They wandered around the ground floor of the cabin, checking the rooms and calling out for Alfrid. When they didn’t find him there, they traveled upstairs to the second, then third floor. After investigating each floor and finding nothing, Kili pushed Fili up against the wall and growled into his ear.

“We’ve searched high and low for that loser, and he ain’t here. Know where I haven’t gotten to search though?”

Fili snorted. “Where?” he smirked.

“ _ Your pants… _ ”

Kili grabbed Fili by his ugly sweater and dragged him into the nearest room, slamming the door shut behind them.

 

Fili made the mistake of cracking open his eyes as he and Kili macked against the large bookcase.

“Shit, shit, Kili stop,” he grunted, pushing his brother away. He let the hand sneaking up his ugly Christmas sweater stay, though.

Kili detached himself from Fili’s neck and sighed, letting his forehead hit the bookcase. “What is it?”

“... We have company,”

Kili’s head snapped up and whipped around. “What?! Where?!”

Fili pointed over to the large, black office chair that sat facing the large window behind the ornate desk. “There. The chair. Hey! Hell-o!”

Kili pushed himself away from the bookcase and Fili, and marched over to the office chair. He placed one hand on their guest’s head and slammed the other down onto their shoulder and curled his mouth into a wry smile.

“Well if it isn’t--” he yanked the one hand on the head away sharply, and moved the other to the back of the chair. He clenched and unclenched it a couple of times and gagged, mouthing  _ ‘grease,  _ **_grease_ ** _ ,’.  _

He dropped his hand to his side and put on a forced smile. He looked back at Fili and spun the chair around. “ _ Well if it isn’t the man of the hour! _ ” he declared.

Cousin Alfrid was lounging in the office chair.

Fili’s eyes widened and his mouth slowly fell open. It snapped shut but he couldn’t suppress a hysterical burst of shocked laughter. He placed his hand onto his mouth and dragged it down until it rested onto his throat. He laughed again.

“Kili,  _ he’s dead! _ ”

His brother rolled his eyes. “That’s how he always smells,” he reminded Fili.

“Yeah but he’s never been  _ this _ pale, and he certainly doesn’t normally have blood coming out his nose like that,” Fili pointed out, “even he would clean that up…”

Kili mimicked Fili’s gesture, dragging his hand down his mouth, when the realization soaked in . Silently he turned and drew the curtain across the window. Fili quietly went along with his brother and went over to the door, locking it. He mentally berated himself for having not done that already when he and Kili first entered the room.

Kili turned back around and faced Fili. “So… Alfrid’s dead,” he said slowly.

“... Yep.”

“And uh… … … well shit, Fi, what the hell are we supposed to do?”

Fili took a deep breath. “Fuck if I know. Call the ambulance! We need to call the paramedics,” he startled himself with his declaration.

“What? No. No! No, no, no no no! We can’t do that. We  _ just _ got here.  _ Everyone  _ just got here! It’s been a shitty year for everyone in the family, even fucking Alfrid here,” Kili smacked Alfrid’s cheek a couple times, then wiped his hand on his pants. “It’s the beginning of our holiday, we’re going to have a nice time, dammit!”

“You’re right…” Fili grimaced. Then his face lit up with an idea, “We’ll pretend he’s alive! Everyone will be too drunk on eggnog and Christmas ham to notice the entire time; not to mention nobody likes to be around him  _ anyway _ ,” he grinned, “so they’ll steer clear. What could wrong?”

Kili stared at him flatly. “Fili that’s fucking retarded.” he told him, deadpan. “What will we do when someone finds out?”

“Easy,” Fili smirked, “He’ll have a spontaneous brain aneurysm. The silent killer! That’s our failsafe. Seriously Kili, what other choice do we have?” 

Kili replied, his voice muffled by his hands, “We don’t…”


	2. Two Naughty Nephews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day Two, the boys dig themselves in deeper...
> 
> \--
> 
> Dawn of the second day - 264 hours remain

Thorin’s voice boomed down the hallway, “Okay, boys, we overlooked you all sleeping through breakfast but a lie in until lunchtime is completely unacceptable! I don't care if it is Christmas vacation.”

Kili’s eyes went wide and he nearly fainted. Fili stood up and pulled his brother’s ugly Christmas sweater down to cover his exposed parts. He dragged the sleeve of his own sweater across his lips to remove any suspicious drool and jogged to the door. “Stop! You can't come in Uncle Thorin! We're wrapping presents!” He looked back at Kili who was still leaning against the wall in shock. Waving to get his attention, the blonde motioned for him to go around the corner out of sight.

The bearded face of their uncle appeared somewhat mollified when the cracked open, “One of us probably should have come down to let you know we busy, but you know how much Kili loves Christmas presents.”

A loud giggle burst from deep in the bedroom where Kili was re-reading the card he had received from his brother that morning. In swirling red letters, it announced: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, This Card Was Expensive, Take Off Your Clothes.

Thorin smiled. “Well, you are forgiven. Finish the gift you are working on and come down for lunch. Bring your cousin.”

“We’ll be down shortly!” Fili answered with a bright smile and closed the door. He padded down the short hallway to the main part of the bedroom and started digging through his bureau in search of something.

Finding what he wanted, he turned around to see Kili stark naked on the bed with only the card covering his private parts. The brunette grinned, “Shall we finish what we were working on?”

Fili tossed him two beige silk ropes.

Kili's smile got bigger.

“Oh, no, big boy, those are for Alfrid.”

Kili dropped the ropes and his smile, “Eww!” Another part of him dropped too.

“You heard Uncle, we need to bring Al to lunch. We’ll need to make some sort of marionette of him.”

Kili just stared.

Fifteen minutes later, they were seated at the dining room table with an ingenious rig of ropes under their sweaters. Alfrid sat between them, which, although highly suspicious, played into their game of pretending they weren't a couple. 

Eating was a different matter. Luckily, Bofur started a food fight and they were able to consume enough to satisfy their hunger while simultaneously flinging rolls and sweet potatoes merrily at their kin. As a bonus, neither of them had to feed Alfrid anything, stray bits of flying food landed in Alfrid's mouth from time to time and it look like his usual gross eating habits.

As the meal drew to a close, Alfrid's jaw fell open and he slumped onto Fili's shoulder. Suppressing a shudder, Fili used it as an opportunity to excuse the three of them for naps and to finishing wrapping. Crisis averted for now.


	3. 3 French Ri's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dusk of the third day - 228 hours remain

“He has a shit ton of movies, dang. What do you want to watch?” Kili was bent over a massive chest filled to the brim with DVDs. Fili, lounging out on Alfrid’s couch with Alfrid, shrugged.

“I dunno man. Alfrid?” He looked at the body, and raised his (and subsequently Alfrid’s) arm. Fili looked back at his brother. “Alfrid doesn’t know either. Surprise us,”

“‘Kay, just don’t complain if you don’t like what I choose, then,” Kili replied, grabbing a case and popping the DVD into the player. When the menu screen for There’s Something About Mary came on, Fili laughed.

“You know damn well I wouldn’t complain about this,” he said.

Kili plopped down next to his brother, grimacing when he leaned back against Alfrid’s arm. “I was talking to Alfrid,” he clarified, turning in his seat to untie the dead man’s wrist from his brother’s. He flung the body away from them to the other end of the couch, and snuggled up to Fili’s side as he started the movie.

Halfway through, Kili was falling asleep against Fili. His older brother had always radiated heat like a furnace, and the rhythm of his breathing had always lulled Kili into an easy sleep, ever since he was a child.

“Well, well. If it isn’t for my favorite cousin, and his boyfriend-- oh! _Pardon_ , that’s your brother,”

Both of them nearly touched the ceiling in their fright, Fili’s hands whipping back out of Kili’s sweater. They turned to look at the intruder; it was their distant and sly cousin, Nori.

“Nori, we didn’t know you would be coming,” Fili said coolly, “are Dori and Ori here too?”

“Oui, _obviously_. They’re downstairs. Your mom sent me up to get you, since we’re getting ready to eat,”

“Ah, yeah, okay. We’ll see you down there,” Kili nodded.

Nori’s eyes flicked over to Alfrid, slumped to the side. “He okay?”

“He’s fine,”

“We’ll be down in a minute,”

Nori raised one eyebrow, and looked them all over again. “Oh, hm,” he hummed, acting _too_ casual. Eyeing Alfrid once more, he turned and left.

Fili let out a deep breath had had been holding. “Mahal, what a nightmare…” he sighed.

“Fucking tell me about it! He better not try anything fucky while we’re here,” Kili snapped. He ran a hand through his hair and paused the movie. “What a slimy whoreson. We should go down… dinner, right? We’ll just tell them he’s still grieving, I don’t want to bring him back down like last night,”  
  
“Yeah, that was much more trouble than it was worth,”

 

 

Fili and Kili sat down next to each other, glancing at the empty seat at the table.

“Is he still not feeling well enough to come down?” Dis asked them just as she reached over their shoulders to place a big bowl of mashed potatoes on the table.

“Nah,” Kili said.

“Maybe I should bring him up a plate of food… he hasn’t eaten anything days!”

Fili’s knees hit the bottom of the table as he was startled by the suggestion.

“No, no, he’s fine! He has been eating, when everyone’s sleeping. He comes down after dark, like the cave troll he is. That’s why all that raw fish is missing from the fridge; it’s how he always does it, he told us,” he lied through his teeth. Truthfully, he (and everyone else) had no damn clue where all that fish had gone. Fili was starting to suspect it would pop up and scare him when he least expected it.

“Are you sure? I really think I should--”  
  
“Dis,” Thorin interrupted her, “ _helicopter_... Just sit and eat with us; the boys have been spending time with him and if they say he’s fine, he’s fine. Stop worrying so much,”

“Well… alright.” Dis wrung her hands and glanced up at the ceiling before taking her own seat next to Dori, while Fili and Kili sighed quiet sighs of relief.

“So, how was the flight from France?” Frerin piped up, asking the three Ri brothers.

Nori groaned and rolled his eyes. “Uggghhh… _C’était terrible!”_ he snapped quietly.  
  
Dori smacked his arm. “It was very nice, thank you. The jet lag was something awful, unfortunately. We may need to retire early tonight,” he answered.

“Oh, um, I’m not that tired at all. I can stay up for a while longer,” Ori said.

“Me too!” Nori added.

“Ori, are you sure you’re feeling okay? You look a bit pale,” Dori asked, looking over at his youngest brother, worried.

“I’m fine, Dori! I’m just a bit cold, is all,” Ori told him, slightly irritated.

“Cold? Let me go get you a coat--”  
  
“Dori, I’m fine! Sit down,”

“Hey, Frerin,” Kili called out. A muffled _thump_ sounded out from upstairs. Kili, Fili and Nori looked up at the ceiling. Fili and Kili shared a look of poorly hidden terror, while Nori leered at them suspiciously.

“Hm?” Frerin looked up with a mouthful of green beans and ham. Kili cleared his throat and continued.

“Thorin says you’re seeing someone. Why isn’t she here so we can meet her?”

Frerin’s face scrunched up in displeasure. “It’s none of your guys’ business, dammit,” he told him.

“Why so touchy? He was just asking,” Thorin inquired. Before Frerin could snap out a reply, deafening music from upstairs interrupted him. It started very suddenly and was hardly audible at first, but it rocketed itself to house-shakingly loud almost instantly. It was the YouTube video of He-Man singing [Heyeayea](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh7lp9umG2I).

Dis almost had to yell at her sons over the noise, “Are you sure he’s okay? Maybe one of us should go check--”

“I’ll go!!” Nori shouted, launching out of his chair. He bolted out of the room. As if on a hair trigger, Fili and Kili shot out of their own seats and charged after him, both screaming,

“ _NO YOU WILL NOT YOU PIECE OF SHIT_ ,”

“ _MOTHERFUCK!!_ ”

leaving the rest of the family in the dust.

“My,” Dori began, “how… uncouth! What’s going on with them I wonder?”

Nori had just begun his ascent up the stairs when Fili and Kili rounded the corner. Kili pushed himself to the limit and sped up, leaping up onto a high step and grabbing Nori’s shirt violently, tugging it back. Nori managed to keep his balance and shoved Kili away into the wall. Reacting without thinking, Kili elbowed Nori in the throat, who jerked back and choked on air.

Broad Fili grabbed twiggy Nori in a tight bear hug, preventing him from doing much of anything. What he was able to do though, was trip Kili as he rushed up the stairs. Down Kili went, face smashing against the step.

“Kili!” Fili shouted in dismay.

“Just go! Go without me!” Kili cried, cradling his bleeding nose. Before Fili could enact upon it, Nori’s wild wriggling got the better of them both. They stumbled back into the wall, and tripped over Kili’s legs. They fell as well, Fili landing on his poor brother, who groaned, “HHhhnngfuck, Fili go,”

Fili kicked Nori away from him with not much force behind it, and began crawling up his brother. As he ascended, he moved off his brother. When his knees had just passed Kili’s head, Nori crawled up nightmarishly fast and grabbed a hold of Fili’s pants. Fili shook his leg frantically, trying to free it, and Kili tried his best to help. Fili’s leg escaped Nori’s grip… but his pants did not. They slipped down past his butt.

Kili couldn’t hold back his laughter. “Oooh, no undies today, Fi?”

Fili looked down at his brother and glared. “I’m not wearing any underpants because you never put the fucking laundry in the fucking dryer like I asked you too 100 fucking times,” he snapped. Kili laughed again until he was wheezing. Fili scurried to his feet while Nori grabbed at him, hissing expletives at the blond.

“Fili, go!! I’ll handle the frog!” Kili ordered, hurling himself up to his feet. His nose had stopped bleeding by then, and he assumed a position. **The** position. He was spread eagle in front of Nori on the staircase, preventing him from passing no matter what he tried (which including climbing on the banister and scooching up).

Fili dashed the rest of the way up, then disappeared down the hall. Alfrid’s bedroom door opened and He-Man became louder for a brief second. The door slammed shut. Two heartbeats later, He-Man was silenced. Kili’s butt vibrated. He carefully and slowly pulled his phone out from his back pocket, not taking his eyes away from the wily Nori.

 

**Fabulously Flaming Fieri, 19:23**

 

_we good. go back to diner n say sumthing, ill stay here w al_

 

**Kinky Kili Khalifa, 19:23**

 

_Lern 2 spellz gud brother :P_

 

**Fabulously Flaming Fieri, 19:23**

 

_stfu n go down titmunch_

 

 

Kili puffed out his chest and walked down into Nori, forcing him backwards until they were on the ground floor again. Nori scowled.

“I don’t know what the hell is up with Alfrid or what you’re hiding, but I’ll fucking find out eventually. I always do!”

“Boys? Are you okay?” Dis called out.

“Yeah mum, we’re on our way back now. _C’mon, Nori,_ ” Kili ground out through his teeth, grabbing Nori with a vice grip on his arm. “Let’s head back to the table,”

They sat down in their seats back with the others.

“What was going on? Are you okay? You’ve got **blood** all over your face!” Thorin asked.

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine. My nose is just really dry. Alfrid was… y’know, doin’... _stuff,_ ” Kili shrugged nervously. Thorin furrowed his brow.

“What _stuff?_ ”

“... … ... he was jerkin’ it. Naked. Self-asphyxiation… it’s how he copes! He slipped and was choking to death, but he managed to turn on the music though, so we were able to save him in time,”

“ _What??_ ” everyone asked at once, horrified. Frerin was howling with laughter and Ori’s face was bright red. Dori put his hands over Ori’s ears.

“Yeah, turns out he’s a filthy perv, who woulda thought, right?” Kili snorted, forking at his salad.

Fili suddenly appeared in the doorway, looking slightly more sweaty and disheveled than Kili or Nori. He was panting slightly as he sat back down.

He smiled weakly at everyone. “So, did we miss anything?”

No one said anything for a long moment. “How’s… Alfrid? Is he alright?” Thorin dared to ask.

“Huh? Yeah, he’s fine! I just uh,” he looked over to Kili hopefully for some sort of hint about what the younger man had told everyone, “... helped him… get… off...?”

Everyone’s wide eyes stared unblinkingly at him.

“Get off… from his uh, choking contraption? Right?” Frerin asked, gesturing for Fili to elaborate.

Fili’s gaze shot over to Kili in alarm. _What the shit did you tell them?_ his expression read.

“Yeah! All good! Like this meal! Damn, mom, this is great! What is it?”

Dis was clearly unimpressed. “You’re eating mashed potatoes, son,” she told him.

 

 

After the table was cleared and dirty dishes brought to the kitchen, Fili took Kili aside.

“You okay? You’re very sweaty,” Kili asked.

“Ugh, yeah, I just had to move Alfrid into a more natural position. Turns out he slid out of the computer chair and onto the floor; his hand got caught on the headphone cord and ripped them from the laptop, which, for _some fucking reason_ was playing that damned video for over an hour! His foot hit the volume button just right, and-- _anyway._ I locked the door from the inside. Just in case, y’know?” he murmured into Kili’s ear.  
  
“Oh! Good idea. That makes sense now when Nori came back from the bathroom looking pissed off,” Kili whispered, nodding.

“Yeah… but that’s the thing. We can’t get back into the room… unless--”

“Are you saying we have to fucking scale the outside of the house barefoot in the snow and ice and climb through the window in the middle of the night to get back in?” Kili asked, dreading the answer he already knew.

“... Yeah.”

“Son of a--”


	4. Four Nosy Elves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A late night group texting session reveals a secret...

Dark of night, the Fourth Day...

EL DAN 22:19  
Dude! Dad brought us up to stay with Uncle Thran for Christmas!

KILI KHALIFA 22:22  
No way! You're here! That's so awesome!

EL RO 22:23  
Way! What are you and your hot bod blonde up to?

KILI KHALIFA 22:24  
Not much, babysitting our cousin Alfrid.

EL DAN 22:25  
Booooooring

EL RO 22:26  
Is your cousin Gimli there?

FABULOUS FILI 22:27  
You know Gimli?

GHASTLY GIMLI 22:28  
STFU, Ro!

KILI KHALIFA 22:29  
Just because we're sharing the hotspot doesn't mean we want to share our lives, teen queen. Piss off!

FABULOUS FILI 22:30  
So… Dan, Ro, how do you know our wee annoying pimply-faced problem child?

GHASTLY GIMLI 22:31  
Nooooooo….

KILI KHALIFA 22:32  
STFU, pebble

EL DAN 22:33  
Well! It seems that your pebble there is dating our cousin Legolas!

FABULOUS FILI 22:34  
Whaaaaaaaaaaa…

KILI KHALIFA 22:35  
Oh, Mahal! This will kill Uncle Gloin!

FABULOUS FILI 22:36  
But not before he kills Gimli!!

KILI KHALIFA 22:37  
Bwahahahahahaha 

KILI KHALIFA 22:40  
…hahahahahaha…. Still laughing!

LUSTY LEGGY 22:41  
Guys! You promised you wouldn't say anything!

GHASTLY GIMLI 22:42  
Make them stop, Legs!

EL RO 22:43  
Shut up Leaflet, go play with your pebble

LUSTY LEGGY 22:44  
I’ll tell my Dad!

EL DAN 22:45  
Sure you will. You'd die faster than Gimli.

FABULOUS FILI 22:46  
We have a fabulous idea

KILI KHALIFA 22:47  
Come over for lunch tomorrow 

ARWEN 22:48  
Kiiiiiliii, Can I come too?

KILI KHALIFA 22:49  
Of course you can, sweetie!

ESTEL 22:50  
And me?

EL DAN 22:51  
Why are you still awake, Twiglet?

ESTEL 22:52  
It's holiday time!

KILI KHALIFA 22:53  
You have to come. Uncle Bilbo would never forgive us if we didn't invite you.

EL DAN 22:54  
I'm coming up to tuck you in right now.

FABULOUS FILI 22:55  
Be sure to bring the leaflet

EL RO 22:56  
Make sure your pebble doesn't get away

LUSTY LEGGY 22:57  
We are so screwed, Babe.

GHASTLY GIMLI 22:58  
Maybe Alfrid will do something stupid and get us off the hook

FABULOUS FILI 22:59  
Speaking of doing something stupid, Kili get up here!

KILI KHALIFA 23:00  
OMW, See the rest of you tomorrow


	5. Five Silmarils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn of the fifth day - 192 hours remain

Kili grunted and rolled onto his back. He bumped into Fili, who was still snoozing away, deep in the depths of his dreams. Kili scrunched up his nose. What had woken him up? Shaking his head, he turned back onto his side and attempted to fall back asleep. Just as he shut his eyes, they snapped back open when he heard a commotion from downstairs.

Unsure, he just listened. A bark! Something, a dog, undoubtedly, had just barked!

_ Well that’s weird _ , Kili thought,  _ why is there a dog in here? Whatever, I’ll ask later… _

A much louder bark sounded out, then, one that had even Fili stirring and mumbling something. After the first loud bark, it was followed by several others of different pitch.

_ There’s more than one! It’s too late for me now to fall back asleep… I may as well go down and see what’s up. _

Kili groaned and pushed himself out of bed. He ruffled Fili’s hair and put on some pants before heading downstairs. Before he could even call out and ask what was going on, he was set upon by several ravenous beasts! They jumped on him and slobbered all over him, probing and sniffing with their little wet noses and barking in Kili’s ears. He was forced to sit down on a step, where he examined one of the collars on them. The tags on each of them were inlaid with Silmarils, a rare and highly expensive gemstone.

“Yikes, that’s… luxurious,” he mumbled.

Thorin and Frerin walked in the front door, each carrying a puppy of their own.

“You’re up,” observed Thorin. Kili rolled his eyes, shoving away one that was up on his knees and licking his face incessantly.

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep through the barking. What’s up with this?”

Frerin placed his wiggling puppy down. “Well, they were supposed to be surprise presents that we would pick up Christmas Eve, but circumstances changed… so we’re getting our dogs early,” he explained.

“Cool!” Kili grinned. “How many are there?”

“Five,” Thorin replied. “One for each you and your brother, one for Alfrid and--”

“And one for each of my brothers,” Dis interrupted, stepping in through the front door.

Frerin brightened up at the surprise, but Thorin furrowed his brows. “What? But I thought--”

“I was lying! They were for you two all along; one for my grumpy bachelor brother and one for my silly dumb brother,” she snickered.   
“Hey wait a minute, I’m not that silly!”

Thorin bristled. “‘Bachelor’? I’ll have you know I’m seeing some--” 

He cut himself off, crossed his arms and glared at the floor. He blushed madly. “It seems I put too much Bailey’s in my egg nog…” he muttered.

“You’re seeing someone??” everyone asked at once.   
“None of your business! If Frerin’s allowed to be secretive about who he’s seeing then so am I!”

Frerin flipped him off. “It’s Dwalin, isn’t it? You’re sleeping with Dwalin, right? You’ve always been awfully close to him…”   
“Of course I’m  _ awfully close _ to him, he’s my best friend! I’m not seeing my best friend!”

“Oh good, because I’m seeing him,”

“WHAT!!” Everyone in the room shouted except Frerin himself, who was holding his sides, laughing.

“I kid, I kid!” he told them. His attention was caught by something over Kili’s shoulder, and when Kili looked behind him he saw his brother, who looked like the walking dead.

“Dogs,” Kili told him, pointing at one of the three puppies on top of him. He knew that if he were to say anything more than three one-syllable words in a row at Fili in his current state, he wouldn’t comprehend anything.

Fili’s head rolled to the side and he looked at the puppies. He slowly stepped down next to Kili and crouched down, picking one of them up.

“Dogs,” he said softly. He turned and climbed back up the stairs, disappearing right back into his bed.

Kili grinned back at everyone. “He likes the puppies,”

Thorin let his puppy down on the ground, and instantly she ran away into the other room. A second later, Kili heard Ori quietly call out “ _ Mon Dieu!”  _

  
  


 

Later in the day, Fili, Kili, Ori and Alfrid were hanging out behind the house, watching the puppies play. They were all bundled up (including Alfrid, which was quite the task) and shivering, keeping warm by drinking hot chocolate.

“Um, so what have you named them?” Ori asked.

Kili brought his hand up to wipe away a few snowflakes that had landed on his face. The trajectory of him lifting his arm launched Alfrid’s hand directly into his face as well. It startled him so hard he nearly fell out of his chair into the snow.

“Holi and Moli,” Fili told Ori, grinning.

Ori sat forward and looked at Alfrid. “What about yours, Alfrid?”

“Canoli!” Kili said.

“Oh, that’s pretty clever. Did Frerin and Thorin give them rhyming names too?”

“Frerin did! Thorin… decided to continue being Mr. Grumpy-pants though. You know how he is. So now we have Holi, Moli, Canoli, Ravioli and Dennis.” Fili explained.

Ori put his hand up to his mouth, trying to hide his smile. “That’s really funny to hear, actually,”

“You should try saying it!”

“Who the hell is that coming out of the woods? Is that…  _ Dwalin?”  _ Fili squinted his eyes and glared at the forest. Sure enough, their uncle’s best friend had just emerged from the trees, bundled up in furs and carrying a large stack of wood. “When did he become a mountain man??”

“Dwalin!” Kili called out. His and Alfrid’s arm flung up into the air to wave. Holi, Moli, Canoli and Dennis began yipping and yapping at Dwalin now instead of each other, and bounded through the snow to sniff him and lick him.

Ravioli on the other hand decided to make his way over to the others. He was  _ very _ interested in Alfrid, sneezing every few seconds from Alfrid’s thick aura of Axe. Luckily, it was only Fili who took notice of Ravioli as he ripped a hole in Alfrid’s sock (the boys got Alfrid in a coat, what more do you want from them?!) and savagely gnawed at his big toe. The toe successfully gnawed off, Ravioli ran off to eat his prize. Fili’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped in horror. He slapped a hand to his mouth to prevent himself from making any loud noises, but because Alfrid’s hand was attached to that particular arm, it slapped him in the face.

Meanwhile, Kili was leaned forward and staring intensely at Ori, who was staring intensely at Dwalin.

“Heeeyy, Ori? Whatchya lookin’ at? There’s no need to be scared of Dwalin, y’know? He’s really… Ori? You still with us buddy? Ori? O-r-i. Ori!” it was only when Kili waved his hand in front of Ori’s face that the poor boy finally snapped back to Earth.

“Oh! Kili! U-um…” Ori was bright red, and kept looking back and forth between Kili and Dwalin. Then, he got up and bravely fled inside just as Dwalin reached them.

“Hey. Who’s that?” he greeted them. He looked at Alfrid’s foot, which was bleeding into the snow. “And what’s wrong with him?”

“Heeeeey Uncle,” Fili and Kili chorused. They (and Alfrid) waved at their pseudo-uncle, not happy enough to see him to actually get on their feet and hug him. Also, he had a massive pile of freshly-cut logs in his arms, which would’ve made things hard.

“Well is one of you going to let me in, or what?” Dwalin grunted.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem,” Fili squeaked out, still in shock over the foot. He tried to get to his feet quickly, but the weight of Alfrid and Kili jerked him back down to his chair immediately and awkwardly. Kili laughed at his brother and together they got to their feet.

“Or all three of you, sure, I guess,” Dwalin shrugged. They let him and the five puppies into the cabin, accidentally slamming the door behind them. Kili immediately turned on his brother.

“ _ What the hell happened to his foot?!” _

“If you hadn’t have been staring at Ori gaping at Dwalin, you would’ve noticed Frerin’s dog  _ eating his toes _ ,” Fili hissed.

“Oh Mahal, what the fuck!”

“We need to get back inside to… deal with it. Hurry up!”

  
  
  
  


“So what are we going to do with Canoli?” Kili asked. It was late in the evening now, and the pair of them were lying in Alfrid’s bed (After **thoroughly** power-washing every part of it and flipping the mattress!) ‘watching a movie’. Kili was lying with his head on Fili’s chest, and he was playing with the curly ginger hair growing there.

“Hmmm well I guess we now have three dogs,” Fili hummed.

“Oh okay. I’m okay with that,”

“Yeah, me too. Hey, let’s take a shower. I don’t fancy sleeping in sweat and jizz,”

“Me neither. But in case you forgot, there’s a dead body wrapped up in a shower curtain lying in the bathtub because it smells too bad,”

“No, no, I remember. It won’t be too hard to just… drag him out and prop him up in here while we get clean,”

Kili sighed dramatically. “Yeahhhh, I  _ guess, _ ”


	6. 6 Singing Goblins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn of the 6th Day - 168 hours remain

Holi and Canoli barreled down the hallway with Moli in hot pursuit.  Holi had a chunk of ear in his mouth and his brothers wanted it.  No sooner than they slid clumsily around the far corner than Fili and Kili, in stocking feet slipped and slid around the corner at the other end of the hall, chasing the trio of puppies.  They pushed, shoved, slipped, grabbed at walls (and each other) and cursed in such colorful fashion that the family only watched in open-mouthed fascination.  No one noticed what the puppies had.

Little Estel laughed and clapped, thinking it was a great game.  Arwen giggled behind her hand.  Elladan and Elrohir filmed it for YouTube.  Legolas jerked his head at Gimli and they slipped out the back door to the gardens while their fathers screamed at each other and missed everything.  Likewise, Bilbo was in the kitchen, blissfully unaware of the proceedings while he prepared supper with help from Ori and Dwalin, both of whom kept blushing suspiciously.

With a roar of, “That’s not yours!” Fili dove toward their errant pooches and snagged Canoli, who now had the chunk, by his simaril-adorned collar.  He sat up proudly smiling at his brother only to see the rest of the family absolutely in tears from laughing at the chase.  He frowned grumpily instead.

Kili flung himself into Fili's arms for a hug, “Good job!”

Thorin raised one eyebrow.  “Why are you harassing your cousin’s dog?”

Kili leaned away from his brother and explained as if that were the dumbest question Thorin had ever asked.  “Because he’s in the bathtub, Uncle.  Can't have a puppy in there.  He'd get wet and cold and sick.  Do you want to go to the emergency vet at Christmas?”  Then he had the gall to innocently bat his big brown eyes.  Fili had to cough to cover up his laugh.

A knock at the front door saved him.  The house was full of elves and dwarves so neither of the boys had to get up and answer, they just sat in a heap with the puppies, playing, giggling, and hiding the bit of ear.

“Thooooorin!”  Dis yelled, “The Goblin King is at the door!”

Chaos reigned as everyone scrambled to get to the door, most with useless weapons.

And there he was, the Goblin King, right on their porch, singing Peace on Earth while a group of back up goblins sang The Little Drummer Boy.

No goblins died that day.


	7. 7 Farty Festivities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dusk of the seventh day - 144 hours remain

“So.”

Dis stood at the head of the dining room table, hands on her hips.

“It was decided a while ago that tonight would be more of a potluck night, and everyone would bring their own food. And what have you all brought? Baked beans. Red beans and rice.  _ Refried  _ beans. Bean casserole. Three bean salad, tuna and white bean salad, butter beans. And  _ fifteen _ bean soups! Even our guests--” she gestured to Thranduil and Elrond, “brought bean dishes! What is wrong with you men! I swear, you can’t be trusted with the simplest of tasks,” she rolled her eyes.

“And wine, mom. And wine! Plus, you forgot what we brought,” Kili said.

Dis raised her eyebrows. “What did you bring, then?”

“... bean and cheese dip,” he pointed to the old cooking pot sitting on a small ceramic tile in the middle of the table.

“Incredible.”

“And I brought the chips! That’s not beans,” Fili boasted. He pointed to the big bag of store bought tortilla chips sitting propped up against the pot of beans and cheese.

“ _ Beans, beans the magical fruit! The more you eat the more you toot! The more you toot the better you feel so eat beans with every meal! _ ” Estel sang terribly off key, causing all the young folks in the room to laugh.

“ _ Beans, beans are good for your heart! The more you eat the more you fart! The more you fart the better you feel so eat beans with every meal!!” _ Fili and Kili chorused.

“Sit down, shut up and eat your beans!” Thorin demanded.

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Boys where is your cousin?” Dwalin asked.

“He’th go’ a bean alluhjee,” Kili explained, mouth full of beans.

“Yuh, if he eath bean he’ll  _ die _ ,” Fili added.

Nori sneered. “Well isn’t that just convenient, then,”

“We’ll ohduh a peethuh lader,” Kili rolled his eyes, knowing full well he and his brother would end up eating it. 

  
  


“Alright, family game night… Mario Party? What is Mario Party?”

“A game made to destroy relationships of any kind,” Elrohir explained, his twin nodding in agreement.

“But it’s also super fun though! It’s a board game with mini games… and the controls aren’t that hard, look we’ll show you old farts,” Gimli put a controller in Thorin’s hands and explained further.

The teams were mixed; the young adults in the party didn’t want to have an unfair advantage over all the oldest members.

As the game went on and tempers flared, the effects of dinner set in.

“NO! How can I have lost  _ that! _ It was a  _ matching game! _ So simple, how--” Dwalin cut off when he was interrupted by himself. Or rather, his loud fart. The room fell silent around him for only a brief moment, until Estel began laughing. It was a domino effect; Arwen began giggling afterwards, then Fili and Kili, and then the twins… every time someone began laughing, they also began farting. It caused a terrible stench and eventually, with everyone laughing and farting, they had to evacuate the room until the air cleared. 

“Awww look, not even Uncle Thorin can resist the humor in a good fart! He’s drunk on eggham and Christmas nog, I tell ya!” Fili grinned.

“Probably because he loves seeing Thranduil brought down from his hoity toity perfect image like this. Even that poor man can’t keep from ripping a mean fart,”

Frerin came up behind them and slapped them on the shoulders. “It’s a shame Alfrid can’t join us down here, he’s missing the show!”

“Yeah, well… you know him. Total fuckin’ freak. He wanted to be a hermit up in his room instead,”

Beside them was Dwalin and Ori. Ori was holding Dennis in his arms, who was happily panting and tooting to his own tune (he was clearly given some under the table contraband earlier). Hours before, Thorin had bequeathed ownership of Dennis over to the young Frenchman, seeing that Ori was much more emotionally invested in the puppy than he himself would ever be.

“I’m not sure I could even take care of him properly…” Ori lamented nervously. His face was red from both copious amounts of wine and embarrassment from his cute high pitched farts.

“I’ve raised plenty of pups in my life, I could certainly help you… maybe come over from time to time to check up on him--” Dwalin quickly suggested. Ori deflated.

“But I live in France…” he sighed.

“Oh…” Dwalin replied sadly. Both ignored the equally sad sounding fart.

  
  
  


Thranduil’s back was inches from the mat as his arms and legs shook in anguish at their positions. Elrond was over him, his tush propped high in the air as he was reaching out to all corners. Thorin was in the very awkward position where his ass was in Thranduil’s face, but he didn’t seem too phased about it. In fact he was rather smug about it, and was especially damn pleased with himself when he let one rip directly into Thranduil’s open mouth.

Everyone immediately dropped down onto the Twister mat, unable to hold their positions and laugh hysterically at the same time. The only one not laughing and in tears was Thranduil, who was instead swearing at Thorin and smacking him across the shoulders and back several times. A break was taken to catch their breaths, but then they returned to their previous torturous positions.

Kili was positioned in a way that was both horrifying and impressive. Fili was sitting on the couch with the spinner giving him a dark, lascivious look; one that promised to make good on Kili’s flexibility later and fuck the beans and ham out of him until he ejaculated eggnog.

“Who the hell’s idea was it to play  _ Twister _ ??” Thranduil hissed. 

Fili flicked the the plastic arrow on the cardboard spinner. “I don’t know, probably the same person who decided it was a good idea to give the spinner to someone who’s completely colorblind,” he grinned.

“That’s news to me,” Thorin voiced Kili’s thoughts, both of them (well, everyone as well, actually) giving him weird looks. “But it would explain your fashion choices,”

“I was just trying to be funny,” Fili said sadly, pretending to be quite upset.

“I thought it was funny,” Kili said with encouragement, nodding. “I’ll show you later how much!”

“Not if I get to you first,” Fili smirked. He looked over at the stairs when he heard a slight commotion, and his expression slipped. “... which will be very soon because Kili we have to get to bed RIGHT! NOW!” he yelped, flinging the spinner away and flying from the couch towards the stairs. 

Luckily there was half of a wall blocking everyone’s view, but coming down the stairs were Ravioli, Holi and Moli. And Alfrid. The dogs were dragging Alfrid slowly down the stairs, gnawing and licking him all over. Kili miraculously got out of his impressive pretzel positioning and rushed over with his brother, yelling a quick good night to the other and helping to shoo the dogs away. Ravioli was a vicious little bastard though, and wouldn’t let go. The boys ended up having to drag Alfrid up with the dog attached and they scurried backwards with the body until they reached their shared bedroom, slamming the door shut behind them.

A moment later the dog was kicked out.


	8. Eight Rowdy Revelers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All our rowdy family...

Nori banged on the door hard. "Open up!"

"Just come in," came a muffled reply.

The redhead slammed open the door and stormed into the room. Fili and Kili were lying on the bed doing an erotic jigsaw puzzle of Alfrid’s they had found in the closet. They could hear the rest of their family partying loudly downstairs. At least eight voices sang loudly out of tune to some old Christmas program.

"Where's Alfrid?"

"Bathroom."

Nori walked to the ensuite door and started banging. "Where's the remote you son of a bitch? I know you hid it!"

Both boys winced. Alfrid's family had only been dead a few months. But, he was a dick.

Nori turned and looked at the boys shocked faces and started to open the door. A smell came out. He closed it quickly, "Merde!"

Kili made a face.

Fili choked out a comment about Nori being a douchebag for letting more of that smell into the room.

Nori just stalked out muttering, "Fucking beans."

Twenty minutes later, he was back, dropping onto the bed between Fili and Kili, “Alfrid! What are you doing in zere? I don't hear water running. Deodorant! You wear it after a douche, not instead of one!”

Kili burst into laughter but Fili had enough control to tell their red-headed French cousin that the English word was shower, and douche was something completely different. Kili kept laughing and began to shudder, shoulders heaving, lying helpless, nearly breathless, face down on the bed. Nori lifted one eyebrow at the situation while Fili rubbed his brother’s back to help him get under control.

“You two know that ze whole family is aware of your relationship, yes? Why do you hide? Are you ashamed of your love?” Nori was blunt.

Kili’s laughter stopped abruptly. In fact, he looked as if he might vomit. Fili did, running into the bathroom, not caring that Alfrid was in there. Kili ran after him and neither thought to prevent Nori from following.

At a squeaky high note that removed any doubt Nori and Ori were brothers, Nori cried out, “Mon Dieu! Alfrid est mort!” from beside the bathtub. He prodded the shower curtain burrito tentatively and made a face like someone had wiped merde under his nose.

Fili lifted his face from the bowl and stared blearily. Kili gave Nori an angry side-eye. “Do not leave this room.”

Nori narrowed his eyes and returned a challenging glare of his own.

An hour later, Kili sat happily in one of the overstuffed armchairs with Fili sideways in his lap, resting against his chest. Alfrid and his smell were still burritoed in the bathroom. And Nori sat cross-legged on the floor in the midst of Alfrid's sex toy collection. It was frighteningly large and he had his pick in exchange for his silence. He was so pleased, he offered his services as their accomplice.

Downstairs, the rest of the family remained oblivious to Alfrid’s state. Dwalin, Ori, Thorin, Bilbo, Dori, Oin, Bombur, and Bofur were playing Top Card and getting progressively drunker as the evening progressed. The more they drank, the rowdier they got.

Gimli came to the boy's door looking for asylum but got turned away.

When the “adults” started throwing cards and singing at the top of their lungs, Nori headed to his room and Fili locked the door. Then Fili grinned at Kili and crooked a finger at him.


	9. 9 Festive Fireworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dusk of the ninth day - 96 hours remain

“I don’t understand why we’re all spending time together out  _ here _ ,” Kili groaned. His voice was quite muffled, because he was bundled up and hiding beneath Fili’s poncho, against his brother’s warm chest. “Why do we gotta sit around this fire pit in the snow?”

“You answered your own question; the bonfire will keep us warm,” Thorin replied. He was crouched down in front of a log pile, attempting to ignite it the old fashioned way with a tinderbox.

“Aaaaaand I’ve got fireworks!!” Frerin announced, grinning from ear to ear as he sauntered over carrying a large box filled to the brim with just that.

Kili popped out from Fili’s poncho. “What! How? Where did you get them! Yesssss, let me see them!”

“I can’t tell you that, I’m afraid, dear nephew,”

Fili smiled at his brother as he rushed to their Uncle’s side. He turned around to check on Alfrid. The dead cousin was lounging in one of the cheap patio chairs surrounding the bonfire. Directly next to him was Nori, who was begrudgingly tied to the dearly departed. He was bundled up and playing Pokemon on his DS. Fili walked over and plopped into the chair next to Nori, pulling out his own DS from his poncho pocket he had Dis sew on for him.

“Wanna do a trade? I got a Haunter that I want to evolve,”

“Only if you trade me one of your version exclusives,”

“Yeah sure,”

Fili startled when a bottle rocket was launched, and there were suddenly five barking and howling puppies rushing to hide up in his poncho with him.

The bonfire finally went up in flames, and soon Fili’s face was burning as he warmed up.

Kili came over and helped evacuate the puppies, only so he could straddle Fili’s lap and hide his face in Fili’s neck. Nori scoffed in disgust.

“Kili, what are you doing? Get off your brother, you’re too old to be doing that nonsense,” Thorin scolded from his seat across from them.

Kili sat up and pointed at his brother. “But furnace,” he said.

“That’s no excuse. Off,” 

Kili grumbled but obeyed, grabbing the chair that was meant for Frerin and pulling it over by Fili.

“Aww, that was my chair!” Frerin whined from where he was still bent over his box of illegal fireworks. He stood and walked over to Thorin. “Now I’ll have to sit on  _ my _ older brother’s lap,” he grinned.

“Wait, what--” Thorin jerked forward in confusion but it was too late, Frerin was sitting right on top of him, grinning from ear to ear. But then Thorin decided he wasn’t going to put up with that in the least, and threw Frerin off him into the snow.

“What sort of brother are you?! How rude!” Frerin sputtered, brushing the snow off of him. He went back over to his box of fireworks just as Ori and Dwalin came over from inside.

“Looks like you are all enjoying yourselves,” Dwalin smirked.

“Oof, it’s too cold out here for me. I’m going back in,” Ori grimaced, hiding his face in his scarf. He squatted down and beckoned to his puppy.

“C’mere Roli, let’s go back inside where it’s warm,”

“Roli? What happened to Dennis?” Nori asked.

“Dennis is a very nice name, but I decided to change it to rhyme with the others… so I chose Roli Poli,” Ori smiled and nodded. He turned, grabbed Dwalin’s hand, and marched inside. Roli Poli bounced after them.

“Hey hold on a minute!” Nori snapped when he noticed Ori and Dwalin’s hands. He jumped up and tried to stomp after them, but was stopped by Alfrid’s dead weight. He shot a look to Fili and Kili.

“Did you see that?! What was that!” he shrieked.

Kili rolled his eyes. “Hey! Would you guys rather stick a toothpick under each toenail and then kick a wall, or have each one of your fingernails pulled off with pliers agonizingly slowly?”

“What the hell kind of question is that?” Thorin asked.

“The toothpick one,” Frerin replied.

“I’d choose that one too, it’s over faster,” Fili added.

Frerin set off another bottle rocket. He watched it go up, but then squinted at the sky. “Huh, where’d it go?”

“Are you two crazy?  _ Merde, _ I’d rather kill myself,” Nori groaned.

“I got one; would you guys rather power fuck Gumby in a gas station bathroom… or give a handjob to a sea snake with his MBA in business?”

“Fili,  _ what? _ ”

“What the hell is wrong with you two?” Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose.  
  
“Seriously, where did that thing go?”

“Would you rather shower with a bear, or use a cactus as a dildo?”

“Uhhh I think I’d rather put the fire out from Alfrid’s hair,” Frerin drawled.

“What, what?” Everyone jumped to attention and Fili began smacking Alfrid around violently, but it was too late. By the time Nori smothered Alfrid’s head out with a bunch of snow, his hair was all but gone.

“Alfrid are you okay?”

“How did this even happen?”  
  
“... I found your missing bottle rocket, Frerin,”

"Alfrid's pretty tired, we're going to help him up to bed," Kili laughed nervously, and was nearly in hysterics. He and Fili scooped Alfrid up from under his arms and they frantically dragged him through the snow back into the house.


	10. 10 Fire Leapers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwarves + Fire = Dancing?

Once again, the whole family was gathered around the fire pit, but this time there was a tall structure in the center covered by a cloth. The neighbors had joined them even though it was a ten minute drive through six-foot snow drifts between houses.

Gimli was excitedly sitting with Legolas behind the bench where Fili, Kili, Alfrid, and Nori had squashed themselves. They were desperate to stay out of sight of their fathers. Ori hung from Dwalin’s arm next to the structure ignoring the death glares they were getting from Nori and Dori.

Dis sat between her brothers, Frerin and Thorin, snuggled into her husband Vili’s lap. Finally, Bilbo bustled out and snuggled up behind Thorin and the whole family was ready for the great unveiling.

Dwalin harrumphed for attention and and began his presentation. “Long has blacksmithing been a tradition in our family…”

He was interrupted by a series of catcalls, hoots, and shouts to just get on with it.

Dwalin growled and sneered, but then smiled at Ori, “Pull the ribbon, Laddie.” The cover fell away and an astonishingly beautiful hand-wrought dragon sat in the center of the fire pit. Dwalin grinned at the ooohs and aaahs. “We call it Smaug. Fire it up, Frer!”

Within minutes, thanks to clever use of Frerin’s leftover fireworks, Smaug was shooting flames from his open mouth. It was a glorious sight.

Unfortunately, they had started with wine at dinner, progressed to hot toddies as they headed outside, and were know just swigging bourbon from a shared bottle. Even Thranduil was loopy enough to drink from the common swill.

Somewhere along the line the elves started dancing around the fire. Not to be outdone, the dwarves started dancing and leaping over the fire shooting from Smaug’s snout. Dis refused to look. Bilbo went inside.

Fili, Kili, Nori, and Alfrid were deep in conversation, plotting their next move. No one thought they could possibly be up to anything remotely wise or even safe. But before anyone with sense could redirect them, the four had taken sides as pairs across the fire pit from each other. Apparently they had actually paid attention in those ancient dwarvish dance classes, because soon they were tossing and twirling each other around and over the fire itself. It was dizzying and amazing to watch.

Suddenly Alfrid tripped. Kili screamed, but every one assumed it was Alfrid. By the time the rest of the group got to the greasy cousin, his crotch was smoking. “Aw, man! All those poor innocent crabs! They didn't deserve to die like that!” Kili continued.

“They didn't deserve the life they were living, Kili,” his brother answered, “It was a mercy killing.”

“Shut up you two,” Nori interrupted, “Let’s get stinky inside and get this taken care of.” He leaned back to the adults, “He's ok! Just a bit toasty. We’re going to take him inside. Party on!”

Thranduil burped some sort of answer. It was all they got. With Alfrid draped over Fili and Kili’s shoulders and Nori running ahead to open doors, they were quickly gone.

Thorin lolled his head toward his brother, “Doncha think we should call 911 or something?”

“Nah.” Frerin sloppily waved it off, “They're probably jus’ tryin’ to distract everyone from Thran n Gloin’s kids snogging in the bushes.”

Both brothers and their brother-in-law craned their necks back and sideways to laugh at Gimli and Legolas. Then they spotted Dwalin and Ori and really started laughing.


	11. 11? No! No Pipers Piping Here!  ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No weed in this chapter, honest....

Dawn of the eleventh day - 48 hours remain

 

“Boys, go find some linens in one of the guest rooms, will you? The dogs got scared by the younger guests and shat all over the pile I had sitting out for Gimli and Gloin,” Dis told them. “They cleaned up after themselves by eating it, but then threw it all up again.”

Kili, sitting next to his brother on the living room sofa, smirked, and nudged his brother. “Yeah I watched it happen. It was hilarious.”

“No, Kili, it was not!” their mother admonished, “It was disgusting. You go up and get the linens while Fili and I make dinner.”

“Wait, what?” Fili asked, confused.

“Yeah, ‘k, no problem,” Kili hopped off the couch and skipped upstairs.

As Fili was peeling apples several minutes later, a task he detested, his phone vibrated in his back pocket. He tossed apple peels into the trash (and struggled with one refusing to let go of his hand) and whipped the device out.

**KIBBLES N BITS 10:30  
** _holy. shit. fee. GET UP HERE NOW!!!!_

Fili raised an eyebrow and looked over his shoulder at his mother. Dis was turned away from him, rolling out the dough for the pie crust. “Hey Mom I’ll be right back, I gotta pee.”

She hummed distractedly, “Alright, good luck.”

Fili found his brother in one of the furthest rooms on the second floor. He was on his knees in front of a chest. “What’s up?” he asked, standing over Kili’s shoulder.

“Dude! Look what I found!!” Kili pulled away a small plaid tablecloth, unveiling a massive amount of ziploc baggies, all completely filled to the brim with pot.

“... Holy shit.”

They stared silently at the treasure trove for a long moment. “Okay so what are we going to do with it?” Kili asked.

Fili only laughed in response.

 

12 long, floaty hours later, the boys were placed on the floor in front of the fireplace. Gimli, being the youngest, was put in charge of distributing gifts, and he was still eating, so they were bored. They had finished their food lightning quick; they just couldn’t stop eating! So now the brothers waited in the living room for the rest of their family to finish breakfast. They leaned against Alfrid, who was propped between them. Poor Alfrid was forced to wear a beanie now; he had no hair and was missing an ear. Thick woolen socks hid what was left of his toes, and he was sprayed all over with strong deodorant. Fili passed the remains of a joint to his brother.

“Well, Alfrid’s at least good for something,” Kili hummed.

Fili laughed and nodded. “Oh, red alert.”

The sound of footsteps coming their way caught their attention and Kili started aiming to flick the rest of the joint into the fireplace.

“Hey, pass me some of that, will you?” Frerin asked as he plopped down on the couch behind them. He stretched out, taking advantage of the free space and the free weed.

“I don’t think I’ll have any more today.” Fili coughed, “I’m having a bit of trouble breathing all of a sudden.” Fili grimaced.

“Huh?” Kili asked, faster than his high should have allowed. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think it’s just my asthma,” Fili rubbed his little brother's hand reassuringly, always the one trying to be taking care.

Thorin walked into the room, wearing his new WORLD’S OKAYEST BROTHER shirt, courtesy of Frerin.

“Oh! I’m glad it fits,” Frerin laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, brat. Here, give me some of that. I don’t know how much more I can take of Dis and Gloin arguing about cheese or Dwalin and Ori eye-fucking each other,” Thorin grumbled.

“Sure thing, bro,” Frerin smiled.

“Uncle I didn’t know you were actually pretty cool with this stuff,” Fili said.

“I’m cool,” Thorin pouted. He kicked Frerin’s legs off the couch so he could sit and relax there as well.

They enjoyed each other's silence for a few minutes until finally the rest of the family filed in.

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road,” Dis instructed. “The quicker we start, the quicker we’ll finish, and the quicker I can tell the children to go do the dishes before they know what’s going on.” Without hesitation she picked up a package and dropped it in Fili’s lap.

Fili let out a high pitched squeal as whatever extremely heavy object that was in the wrapping dropped directly on his crotch. Gimli stopped scurrying about with presents to look over at the commotion.

“Oh, are you okay,” Kili asked halfheartedly. “What is it? Who’s it for?”

Fili pushed it onto Kili so he could curl up and recover.

“Oh, just Gimli,” Kili grimaced, “Hey, Pebble! This one’s yours! Come get it!"

Eventually, the mountain of gifts under the tree had been doled out and the unwrapping began. Paper and ribbons flew everywhere, a few even made it to their actual destination in the fireplace. The trouble was that Thorin, Frerin, Fili, and Kili were sitting directly in from of the fireplace and set themselves as goalies, deflecting as much trash as possible. After one spectacular Fili to Frerin to Thorin to Kili volley that landed a wad of wrapping paper all the way back in the doorway, the whole family leapt to their feet as if they were watching football.

Kili nearly laughed himself completely out of breath over his gift from Uncle Frerin. A parody Starbucks coffee cup that was a baby ducks sippy cup. But that paled in comparison to the tea towel Frer had gotten his sister, ‘Wicked Chickens Lay Deviled Eggs’ emblazoned across a chicken’s rear end.

Once all the presents had been opened, and the children banished to other pursuits, Thorin disappeared upstairs. In his absence, the neighbors arrived. Dis quickly ushered the children out to play, clean, or generally harass someone else. Returning, she squinted, wondering where Dwalin and Ori… oh!”

Thorin bounced back into the room bearing an elaborate hand-blown glass goldfish bowl which he quickly hid. During his absence, what had been a cozy gathering of four brothers and uncles had exploded into a party of fifteen, including his neighbors, again.


	12. 12 Hot Paramedics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pipeweed and Pictionary and Paramedics, oh my!

When Thorin returned with his goldfish bowl, he had to chuck it quickly into a basket of decorative pinecones because the neighbors had arrived and fifteen people were looking at him expectantly. He quickly covered up, “I couldn't find the old Twister game, but I think we have Pictionary in the cabinet.” With a hail of approval, he produced the game and a standing whiteboard they kept around for business meetings. And with that they settled into three teams of four and began to play.

Thorin looked at Frerin and motioned to ask what they had done with the pipeweed. Frerin’s answer indicated that it had been tossed into the fireplace. Looking up, he saw a sheen of smoke all across the ceiling.

Fili was a useless teammate as he was still feeling poorly and currently curled into Kili’s shoulder, coughing weakly. The rest of the crowd was roaring with laughter, however. Bilbo brought in munchies from time to time before scurrying back to the kitchen, keeping the children far from the chaos. Thorin smacked Frerin for spraying nacho chips on him while he told yet another bad dad joke. Everyone laughed because the brothers were funnier than the joke.

Suddenly, Vili was urging Dis to model one of the gifts he had gotten her. She wrapped a towel around her torso that had the outline of hands where her breasts would be with the caption, ‘oh… oh… feels good’ and the back implied a fart. While she strutted about the room, Kili choked with laughter and whipped out the gift he had gotten Fili, a very similar bath towel that said ‘take me off’ at the waistline and ‘have a happy time,’ with another outlined hand pinching the butt. Apparently, father and son shopped at the same store.

When everyone but a Fili laughed, Kili stopped laughing and sobered up as much as possible. “Fee!” But Fili's head just lolled against his shoulder, no response. “Fili! Are you okay? Do you need your inhaler?” With each sentence, his voice got higher, and louder. Around them, the laughter died down, replaced by worried looks. And coughing, more and more of them were coughing, but the laughter had covered it.

Just before Kili's voice hit the panic tone, Dwalin and Ori stumbled in. Ori’s hair was completely disheveled and he and Dwalin both sported a bit of a flush. Unbelievably, Ori had still found and read a book in those circumstances! “Hey guys!” he began, then looked at the chaos, heard the coughing, and put the pieces together. “Dwalin!” the slight, normally quiet young Frenchman took charge, “Call Oin, get paramedics over here fast. We have a multiple victim allergy emergency. Tell them to prep for as many as ten with inhalation of the family allergy.”

Ori ran to Fili and Kili as clearly Fili was the worst off. He was barely conscious and his lips were tinged blue. He heaved with each breathe. Kili coughed, but refused to do anything that would separate him from his brother. Alfrid had slumped to floor and Nori was helping him.

Thorin and Frerin wheezed feebly on either side of Dis, who lay weakly in her husband’s lap, coughing with every breath. Dori ran to get Bilbo for Thorin and keep the children clear. Bilbo cranked up the air conditioning in an attempt to clear the fumes as he ran to his husband.

Within minutes, Oin, along with twelve paramedics had arrived. Apparently, owning the largest corporation in the area rated a helicopter delivery of assistance. No one understood how Oin always got the most attractive squads when he went out on a call, but there they were, two full helicopters of hot EMTs.

One of them went directly to Frerin, both sharing relieved smiles and a bit of a blush.

Of the remaining eleven, two went to each clearly distressed patient, and the last triaged everyone in the house before reporting to Oin, who tended his brother.

Dwalin called his brother Balin, left behind this year on duty at company headquarters, to report what was happening.

Ori sat quietly next to Gloin explaining to Oin what he had found, “Alfrid’s, for the lack of a better term, gardening journal, indicates that he crossbred this pipeweed with mistletoe to create what he called mistleweed that could be grown inconspicuously in orchards among the fruits.” Oin glowered, though clearly the look was for Alfrid's idiocy and not for him, so Ori continued, “Apparently, he cared so little for the family that he didn't even think…”

“Pardon me,” the triage paramedic interrupted, “Dr. Durin, we have a fatality, I'm afraid.”

“...about the family allergy and how it might affect him,” Ori trailed off.

Oin patted Gloin’s hand and smiled at him, telling Ori to stay with him. Dwalin sat down in his place while the old doctor shambled over to his grand-nephew. He mumbled something to the body and smacked it on the back of the head. Then he straightened up and issued orders for everyone who had even the slightest respiratory distress to be loaded up in the ambulances that would arrive shortly. Fili, however, would go in the helicopter with him.

Kili refused to be detached from his side. “I belong with my brother,” he wheezed. Oin just waved and had them both taken to the helicopter. Then he had Dwalin call Balin back and arrange for the mortuary to come pick up Alfrid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One bonus epilogue chapter to come! But, you have to wait until the real twelfth day of Christmas for it to arrive.


	13. 377 Days at Fili & Kili's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year later, a different kind of Christmas...

Day 377

It's Twelfth Night, one year later. Kili was still trying to mother hen Fili to death. He currently had the blonde trapped in his lap and sipping yet another cup of clove tea with honey. Fili was enjoying the attention after a long day packing family into cars and seeing them safely out onto the highway.

Fili stopped breathing on the helicopter. Kili took it harder than Fili. He’d been holding Fili’s hand at the time. Even the paramedic was freaked out more than seemed normal. It was really weird. He had long dark hair and a goatee, pretty attractive if Kili weren't comparing him to Fili. He even hung around outside the treatment room until this guy who looked way too much like Fili showed up and hugged him. That was just just the last straw for Kili. He’d barely let Fili out of his sight ever since.

Twelve months later, the boys were sitting pretty on an orchard of mistleweed. During Fili's recuperation, the two young men had done some soul-searching. Their original plan to save up, buy a beach house, and make a separate successful company for themselves based on Kili's computer programs. Once they found the apple orchard full of mistleweed plants, a new idea formed.

Erebor created a new division to handle the plants as a seasonal specialty and Thorin made Fili vice-president in charge of the entire division. Kili didn't mind working from the cabin with Roli, Poli, and Canoli underfoot. Besides, being caretakers of the cabin guaranteed that they always had the best bedroom and wouldn't have to share with the children!

Ori, Nori, and Dori took over Fili and Kili’s flat in the city. Ori refused to leave Dwalin. Nori and Dori refused to leave Ori. Balin had a migraine for six straight weeks while he pushed the paperwork through the appropriate government offices. Dori’s expertise in herbs and Nori’s convenient knowledge of seemingly trivial information made the applications more believable.

Once the snow melted, Thorin sent his favorite architect, Bombur, to build a small processing center on site. Bombur, in turn, brought his wife, his herd of eight children, his brother Bofur, and their cousin Bifur along. Bifur and Bofur, being robotic and production specialists set up and manage all the processing and packaging robots. If they also exercised a little quality control, no one mentioned it. By the time summer vacations started, Bombur had designed and built a house for the Ur clan on the far side of the processing center and orchard – for security.

So, here they were, alone at last. They'd survived another twelve days of Christmas vacation with twelve Urs, eleven family members, ten nights of drinking, nine snowmen, eight elvish neighbors, seven meals a day, six giant puppies, five crates of presents, four bourbon fruitcakes, three puppy puddles, two nookie-less nephews, and all in one huge cabin. They were exhausted and unbelievably frustrated.

“How about a bath?” Kili breathed in Fili's ear.

Fili shuddered at a memory of the Alfrid-burrito of the previous year, but Kili mistook the shiver for anticipation.

Kili kissed the shell of Fili's ear softly.

Fili threw his tea cup.

They never made it to the tub.


End file.
